What now?

So, I’m here.  It’s taken me a long time to get here, back to my house, out of a relationship in which I lost myself.  It’s been my pattern – “putting them first.” It’s how I was raised and how my life experiences continued to mold me.  I’m here though, back in my own space, alone and comfortable with that.  I like to be alone.  I like to wake up early, when it’s still dark outside, the traffic quiet, the birds are asleep and so too is much of the world.  I enjoy that kind of quiet, it’s soothing and nurturing and calming and necessary for myself to move through life!

For as long as I can remember I’ve lived on the outer edges of the company I was in.  An observer from birth and not that I don’t connect, because I connect deeply with people, rather an innate part of me notices people, smells, sounds, touch, thoughts, movements, visible and invisible.  It’s me, and though I embrace myself, the challenge is always when I immerse into the world, when I wake from sleep and realize I’m conscious, when I step from my house into the outside, when I step into the gym and hear others voices, when I arrive at work and open my e-mail, it all feels so very intrusive and not that I don’t like my life or my job, but most interactions are a challenge to my inner self and I wonder “are there others like me?”

I thought for the longest time that it was a product of the abuse with my dad, but over time I’ve realized I’ve always been this way.  People have called it intuition, being sensitive, being psychic, etc., but could it ever be named?  Do we have to name something to understand it?  Does a word define a feeling or does the feeling define the word?  I guess that’s a deep question, but I do wonder about the whole “naming” our feelings, and how once named then a string of associations runs with the “name” and then we diagnose and label and attach ourselves to likenesses, and we form groups and find solidarity just based on One Single Word – such as Incest!

So what do you think if you are reading this? Does this make sense to anyone other than me?

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