Such is Life

Where to go from here? Stuck in mud. Feels at times like sinking sand, knee-deep and nothing to latch on to. I miss the ones who knew me well, who loved me in spite of myself, who I could reach out to when I was at odds with some item in life. I miss feeling them on the earth, that feeling of knowing they are there, like a blanket, invisible, yet warm, cozy and welcoming, washed and dried and ever ready to embrace me whatever my need might be. They still loved me the day after a fight, no grudges were held, just acceptance of me and of them and whatever we might have been to each other. It’s lonely, many times without them. I feel the need for that smile, that voice, that wink, that arm around my shoulder, that knowing look, that resting place that I could take for granted because it would always be there, open and inviting with a large welcome sign on the doormat. Their absence is loud and cold. I can’t feel them out there in the world. My last memory was a cold dead face with purple lips that used to offer warm kisses. I can’t erase those realities, those definite moments, those deep etchings in my mind, but I miss them and I ache for that knowing of me, that shelter that was always safe and absolute … where to go from here …

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